As I've mentioned before, ever since I've started this blog, my friends flood me with stories about their BART experiences. I love it. Of course my creative mind immediately goes to work, trying to figure out how I can bring each story to life. Thankfully, the most recent submission didn't need much color from me as the detailed description of the event was enough to be effective.
A good friend of mine came up to me one day (knowing I was having a rough one) and said "Court, I have to tell you about what happened on BART". Thinking it was another run of the mill nail clipper, nose picker, or death farter, I listened with open ears:
"So I'm on BART this morning and a man wearing a sparkly tank top and short basketball shorts gets on. As soon as he got on, he grabbed onto one of the side rails and started lifting his backpack like it was a weight. He'd switch arms, switch directions, and even hinge over to get his lifts in." At this point, I'm already dying. I've totally seen people like this while riding so I know exactly what he's talking about. There's a lady on my commute who does squats and leg lifts the entire 45 minute ride--pretty resourceful if you think about if. After my rant, he stops me and says, "Oh, wait. I'm not finished."
He tells me how all the passengers were taking pictures of the man, but he couldn't understand why because Richard Simmons back was to him. In anticipation I listened, but didn't expect what I was about to hear. "When he switched directions, I realized what it was. They weren't taking pictures of his workout, they were taking pictures of the tent slowly being pitched in his shorts." With this, I lost it! I said "OMG! He didn't feel the need to chop down his wood, prior to getting on BART?" He said "Hell no! He wanted people to see! He flung it around like it was a badge of honor." By far this is one of the funniest and grossest BART stories I've ever heard in a long time.
I guess the situation could have been worse. We all have that 'thing' we do on BART to pass the time, and there's absolutely nothing wrong with making the most of your commute. However, most people prefer waiting until they get home to get their jolly's off. In the meantime, consider this a friendly PSA: Be aware of your surroundings, and especially be aware of flinging objects. You wouldn't want to poke your eye out.
It doesn't happen very often, but once in a blue moon, you'll see someone famous or well-known on BART. And for some reason, our human race just doesn't know how to handle it politely or even like a normal person. Everyday, hundreds of people get on and off the train without saying a word to one another. We use this vessel to get from point a to point b; most of us not uttering a single word about it. However, when one of these celebs get on, many just do the uber-creepy stare: thinking they are being sly (but really are more transparent than a piece of glass). And the others, well, they just feel the need to act like a fool when those well-knowns enter the train. Regardless, I've seen my fair share of what I can only call "specialness" when it comes to this unique group of individuals.
I'll use my friend Gloria as an example. She's an up and coming comedienne in the SF bay, and one of the most hilarious people I know. I'm always hearing stories of people noticing her on the train. Most of them are endearing thoughts, such as: "loved your show", "you're so funny!", and "I go to your shows all over the place"... etc. But, sometimes, she'll tell me creepy stories of sly pictures being taken (and Gloria giving them a dose of their own medicine and taking a picture of them at the same time, or flat out calling them out and then graciously posing), or even people asking her out "Hey baby, I done saw your show last night. If i had a ladder, I would climb your 6 foot frame." Gross.
Then there's the case of the Chef-testant. He got on a train at the Embarcadero and although it was packed and standing room only, it was oddly quiet. All of the sudden I hear someone yell "TOP CHEF" and point at him like he was on fire. The chef said coyly (yet gracefully) "Yes, that's me"...to which the drunken man replied "Mannnnnn-- I voted for you! You should have won! Will you come to my restaurant-- please?!I'll hook you UPPPPP!" And then the fan jetted his fist out (IN CHEF'S FACE) for a fist bump and wouldn't retreat until he bumped him back. I swear the fist stayed in front of that poor guys mouth for a good 30 seconds before he realized what was going on. Now , I get that his plush pillows of pulled pork are nothing short of legandary, but he still doesn't deserve to be knocked out (literally) by your enthusiasm. Needless to say, The chef rode the rest of the way with his sunglasses on.
Then there's my favorite-- MC Hammer. Yes. The One. The Only. On this day, I was probably one of creepy gawkers (but I didn't care; It's HAMMER for God's sake!) Yet, thankfully, my creepy gawk was nothing compared to what happened next. A fellow passenger walked up to him and extended his hand "Are you who I think you are?" he said. MC replied "Yeahhh, I'm Hammer..." (I really want to say that the next time someone asks if they know me from somewhere, but I digress) "Aww man, I'm your biggest fan, on da real!" What happened next, well, I only wish I had my video camera for. The fellow BARTer started a hip hop dance routine and rapped (at the top of his lungs) "2 LEGIT, 2 LEGIT TO QUIT, HEYYYYYYYYYYYY... You're 2 legit to quit, man!" I kid you not. MC just started laughing. I mean, I'm sure he's heard that for half of his life or more, and yet this guy danced in front of him as if he was singing it to him for the first time.
People never cease to amaze me. Whether you're HAMMER, or you're just yourself; have some respect. You never know when you, too, will be too legit to quit.